


If I Loved Him Less

by tallestgirlonearth



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barson are friendship goals, Disclosure, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:20:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29177064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tallestgirlonearth/pseuds/tallestgirlonearth
Summary: The squad and their ADA meet at Forlini's for some drinks to close out a successful week. They’ve just closed out a series of cases, most of which ended with a satisfactory verdict in court, and that alone is cause to celebrate. They are met with the saddest fates on a regular basis and will take whatever happiness they can in order not to drown in negativity and hopelessness.Today, happiness has taken on a new meaning, because two of their own disclosed a relationship, first to Liv, and then to the rest of the squad.Carisi and Barba.As Rafael's best friend, Liv decides to dig a little deeper.
Relationships: Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 90





	If I Loved Him Less

**Author's Note:**

> Another story from me? Who would have guessed I could ever write this much...certainly not me. But I'm still riding the high of Sightless in A Savage Land and seeing Raúl in all his glory, plus the standard of writing in this fandom is so amazing I can't help but feel inspired!
> 
> The idea for this story stems from one pretty famous quote from Jane Austen's Emma, it goes like “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.” Seemed like something a private person like Rafael would say when he's seriously in love but doesn't really know how to communicate. 
> 
> Enjoy and please leave some feedback if you have the time :)

Liv eyes her best friend over the table at Forlini’s. They’ve been sitting here for at least an hour, talking and laughing, drinks flowing freely, and everybody is as loose and happy as can be.

They’ve just closed out a series of cases, most of which ended with a satisfactory verdict in court, and that alone is cause to celebrate. They are met with the saddest fates on a regular basis and will take whatever happiness they can in order not to drown in negativity and hopelessness.

Today, happiness has taken on a new meaning, because two of their own disclosed a relationship, first to Liv, and then to the rest of the squad.

Carisi and Barba.

Sonny and Rafael.

She’d be lying if she said she didn’t see it coming, because the pining and the not-so-subtly checking each other out (at work!) was insane and entirely obvious, but, well, she wasn’t so sure something would really come of it.

Rafael has trust issues as deep as the Mariana Trench, and if that was not enough, there were other issues to consider, such as the conflict of interest, the age difference, the hours Rafael keeps and the dangers of Carisi’s job.

Now, she realises, she needn’t have worried.

Since their official disclosure earlier today, Carisi’s naturally cheery disposition has gone up so much he’s basically a human sunbeam. As for Rafael, he hasn’t complained or scowled once today, and isn’t that some kind of record?

The sergeant in her is satisfied that her co-workers chose well and are happy. The other part of her that is officially Rafael’s best friend, wants a little more to go on, though.

When Carisi gets challenged to a friendly darts competition (he gets up and goes, but only after pressing a kiss to Rafael’s cheek), Liv sidles up to the ADA. There’s a faint blush on his face after such a public display of affection, but he can’t hide the fondness in his eyes. He does try to conceal the uptick of his lips behind his glass, though. It’s sweet, and a very promising sign of enduring happiness – something that both Liv and Rafael have found elusive. Now, Liv has Noah and it warms her heart to see Rafael shacked up with someone who could just be _his person._ Disclosing a relationship certainly is a pretty big hint towards that fact.

She’s determined to discover whether her instincts are true.

“So, how’s it feel to have a relationship put down on paper in a filing cabinet somewhere at 1PP?”

Rafael gives her a look.

“It’s certainly not as undignified as having to look Jack McCoy in the eye and confess to it like I was still in Catholic school. I understand the need for it, the legal consequences of a conflict of interest are a nightmare, I’m just not very big on all the…ceremony.”

Liv chuckles.

“It’s the NYPD, you know how we like a good procedure.”

She ignores Rafael’s scoff, and presses on.

“Did it give you a lot of nightmares? I mean, I know you probably didn’t rush into this, instead it’s more likely you delayed this to the last minute.”

Rafael looks at her, eyebrow lifted in that way of his that conveys sarcasm and scepticism in truly astounding amounts.

“Why, because I’m romantically inept and constantly behind on my paperwork?”

Liv bites her lip to stop the grin from forming. _Romantically,_ Rafael said. He may think he’s staying buttoned-up, but in reality he’s giving out clues as to his feelings for Carisi left, right, and center. It’s almost like he can’t stop himself.

“No, Rafa, because you’re so hellishly private that nobody could tell a thing about your love life because you simply don’t let anyone know.”

The insecurity that bled through his statement, sarcasm notwithstanding, makes her briefly touch his forearm in what she hopes is a reassuring manner.

“Besides, you’re a good man, and you got _Carisi,_ the embodiment of sunshine, so I think you’re actually very very good at the romance.”

Some of the tension leaves Rafael’s shoulders.

“Well, I’ll allow it. To go back to your original question, yes, of course it gave me nightmares. And migraines. And made me spend quite a lot of money on both Tylenol and scotch, but what’s there to be done? I tried getting rid of Carisi for years, it didn’t work, so here we are.”

Liv doesn’t need to point out that there are a few steps in between acknowledging an attraction to a co-worker and disclosing. Still, she thinks her best-friend status allows her to press for more details.

“It’s serious then.”

“Yes. Very.”

As beneficial as the ADA’s bullheadedness is in court, in a private conversation it can be frustrating as hell.

“That’s all? Come on, Rafa, you can natter on for hours, give me something to work on, here. I need to be able to give Carisi the shovel talk, after all.”

His head jerks around to fix her with a decidedly annoyed look.

“There is _no_ need for a shovel talk, do you understand me, Liv?”

If that’s true, then Liv supposes it’s only because Rafael has undergone enough self-flagellation and doubts as to his worthiness of Carisi to think that he will be the one to mess it up. It’s bullshit of course, because Rafael hides a heart bigger than most underneath his three-piece suits, and Sonny has to know that, since he kept at his pursuit of the ADA long enough for them to actually end up together. The younger detective absolutely has the power to hurt Rafael, and it’s Liv’s job to make sure he doesn’t. Which is why she wants to know more about the ins and outs of their relationship, if only to alleviate any worries.

She lets the silence linger for a while. It’s a tactic that works well in interrogations.

Rafael looks over at the darts board where Sonny is heckling Amanda. He takes a large gulp of scotch and sighs, turning to look Liv fully in the eye.

“What do you want me to tell you? That I’m happy? I am. That I can’t believe my own luck? I really can’t, because he’s beautiful and kind and way too good for me. That he changed my life? He has, because all of a sudden I can’t bear being alone anymore and keep thinking about real estate prices in Brooklyn and stupid clichés like _forever_. That I’m scared shitless? I sometimes lie awake at night just watching him because if forever doesn’t work out I think I’m done for.”

A deep inhale-exhale.

“If I loved him less, I might be able to talk about it more.”

Liv blinks because she didn’t quite expect an outburst as ferocious as this. But as the words sink in, she smiles warmly and lets her hand rest on top of Rafael’s.

“It’s okay. I get it. And I think the only thing for you to worry about is that forever may not be long enough for Carisi. He’s been a lovestruck idiot for years.”

In a rush of giddy affection for this imperfect but good man she calls her best friend, she draws Rafael into a one-armed hug and murmurs into his ear,

“As are you, by the way.”

Rafael’s indignant sputter is drowned out by the cheers from the darts board. Carisi has won, so Liv gets up to take his place and offer another match to Amanda. It’s time to give the lovebirds some space today, Liv thinks. They deserve it.


End file.
